Big Board of College Stories: Cont. from Valentines

I left out a lot that happened in 201 so I’ll start from early Saturday

Stormin’ Normin’s parents came to see the game so they brought him food and sodas and stuff. So when his mom went to put it in the refrigerator. When a mother goes into the refrigerator in a college dorm room, nothing good happens. 201 expected for her to see the untouched 30 hanging out but not the random bowl in there. So his mom wasn’t too happy but didn’t care too much. No one knows how or why the bowl was in the fridge and no one knows who’s it was. It disappeared the next day.

Later that night: The Golden One brought a girl back to the room and they had a lot of fun. Unfortunately he busted all over Stormin’ Normins desk and left a condom on a chair. Stormin may or may not have gotten him back later that night when he passed out in his chair and possibly threw up and the ground next to The Golden One’s bed. Some may have gotten on the bed. Stormin doesn’t recall throwing up but Tailor Made says he thought he was. No one knows.

Big Board of College Stories: Things I left out

Friday Night: Stormin’ Normin and others dance back to the party using a shower radio as their boom box. A cop tells the “Dancing Queens” to knock it off

Big Board of College Stories: Valentine’s Weekend

“…just live it up my dude.. we-re only young and stupid once.. use your intoxication as an excuse to do crazy things man”

Thursday: I go to bed early because I have a test Friday morning. Taylor Swift wakes me up between 2 and 3. The weekend has started.

Friday: I’m tired from studying and going to class so I skip my last 2 classes and head to 201. Stormin’ Normin challenges me to some NBA 2k9 before the celebration starts. We played too long so I missed my nap. This really did not make me happy but I had to get my phone fixed so I went to the mall with Tailor Made. We decided to take the bus even though my roommate has a car and had to do errands. Apparently the bus was running a little bit behind because it came an hour late. It was very cold and neither of us was real happy. So after we finished we realized we could catch the bus, so we start sprinting down the stairs. The bus starts to pull away and we’re just like damn I think we can still catch it. So we start weaving in and out of 4 lanes of traffic and sprint across this huge field. Tailor Made loses his shoe in the mud as were about to catch the bus. The bus has no sympathy and pulls away. We missed another bus. Once we finally catch a bus and get brought back to campus we have to sprint to the cafeteria so we make dinner. Not soon after we hit up the bar and just drank a real lot. Around 11 I knew I was in trouble and texted a bunch of people. One buddy said the quote at the top and I took it to heart. On the way home I slid down a 50 foot rail about 64 feet up. Looking back I don’t know how I did it and it scares the buhjeebers outta me. Once I got back I see the EMTs talking to people. Apparently an unregistered guest was throwing up blood after he did coke. Pretty nuts. Then I went to sleep at like 4.

Saturday: I woke up at 10 am still drunk. I decided to go to breakfast. Turns out it was Family Day or something so there were tours going on all day. Me and Andrew “The Mummy” Dalbect decide on the Italian Stallion’s cousins advice that it would be a good idea to go on one of the tours. We really did absolutely nothing positive for the tour except let them know that A) we were still hammered B) Keg stands happen a lot and C) there are 345006 books in the library. So I take it easy and go to the basketball game which was one awful display of the game. Then we started drinking. It turned out to be a terrible time. I was just so bored outta my mind that I left my go to bar to head to another one. So me and Chicago start walking straight for like 20 minutes. Then I see the highway and realize I am in the worst part of Providence. I immediately turn around and sprint in the direction I came from. Once I get back to an area I know I realize I know exactly how to get to the bar we were trying to go. Not wanting to waste anytime I sprint there and get a pitcher. I stayed there for 2 Taylor Swift songs and kill the pitcher. We leave with a few kids in the ROTC and go to this house party. The shuttle dropped us off fairly far away so we run to the house yelling army cadences. None of them make sense. The party is out of control. One girl was pretty much an exotic dancer. She gave everyone in the room lap dances and such. Then I decided to play some Beirut with this girl I didn’t know. I was utterly terrible so I thought shooting left handed eyes closed would help. It definitely did because we won 5 games. The beauties of alcohol. After that I threw Stormin’ Normin’s boo in a headlock. Don’t remember that but I guess it happened. So at 4 I decide to leave and I grab the American Flag off the house and start waving it wildly belting out God Bless America.

Sunday: Went to the bar, became a bouncer for 2 minutes, went home. Keno Davis’ head was stolen. Huge Disappointment

Big Board of Beer/Stories: Labet Blue

So Friday started and it was pretty much like every Friday here. Pregame party then back to the dorm. Then room 201 decided to have a late night with the 80 beers in their room. I participated and it was a good time so when I got tired I just went back to my room to sleep. So I wake up at 6:15 thinking its like 9 or 10 because of the sun and go to the bathroom. Right as I’m walking in, Matty Storm from 201 is walking out. Now I’m thinking wow this kid doesn’t need sleep but then he says “WE’RE STILL FUNNELING!” I’m check my phone and I’m like wow what a party. So I go back to sleep and then go to the basketball game at 2. My head is pounding and I’m just real tired. So I’m thinking nap then party but my friend asked me to go to a North of the Border party at 5 in the afternoon. I’m like alright I’m getting SAMMERED tonight. We get there tap the Labet Blue keg and its game on. Now Labet Blue is some seriously tasty beer. I don’t know if it was because I’m use to crappy keg beer or what but this was a magical match for the night. Now because I had 2 friends that knew the owner, we got free cups and because we got there so early we had 4 kegs til people started showing up. The goal of the night was to go beer for beer with everyone and that seemed like a great idea until about 11:30 when I went outside to take a leek. Apparently chugging a ton of beer is a great idea to get really drunk is a great way to have a lot of fun. Anyway as I’m taking a leak, I just hit a wall of sleepiness. My bright idea was to walk back to my dorm and take an hour nap. As I’m walking I start to see my breathe and I’m A-Mazed at this. I’ve lived in New England my whole life and I see this all the time but for some reason I was like WOW THIS IS SO COOL. I literally spent 13 extra minutes outside just practicing being a dragon. Finally when I go into the dorm, I walk up and go in my room to take my nap. As I’m trying to get into bed I trip on all the clothes I have piled up and just flat out tackle my fan. I remember thinking I am NOT that drunk. So I get into my bed, and am like time to snooze. I roll over and fall flat off the bed. My roommates are laughing their asses off and I’m like darn I am that drunk. Overall I think it was a great night even though I passed out mad early. Some quotes for thought:

“I’m 100% sure I pissed myself”- I didn’t piss myself. I was trying to say I’m 100% sure I will piss myself if I don’t piss right now.

“Peppermint stick is Santa’s favorite Ice Cream”- It is but I don’t know where that came from

“If a New Jersey person passes me, I’m ripping them a new asshole.”- New Jersey is number 1 on the worst state list.

Big Board of Reviews: Labet Blue (Draft)- Tasty and a Good Experience but its Canadian so it gets a B. Further Review is Expected.

Big Board of College Stories: MCLA Edition

November 7th 2008

5:04 Bednar, DJ Whalen, Jamie and I leave Holyoke to go pick up Mike

5:05 Some precarious items are found in Bednar’s car. What would Bednar be doing with handcuffs, an action figure and a book written by John Grisham

5:12 I visit my favorite shopping center, Shell, to take out money and get supplies for the ride down. Beer is forgotten

5:34 We get lost trying to find Springfield College

5:34-6:21 Bednar and DJ are extremely pissed off we can’t find the Springfield College Campus. Many calls to Mike are made… none of which help

6:22 We find the campus by luck and Mike gets in

6:23 Mike questions the handcuffs

6:30 We leave Springfield and are on our way to MCLA

6:37 We keep ourselves busy with the handcuffs

7:12 Mike mentions finding this blog on Google. I am proud.

7:20 We haven’t seen anyone on the road in 21 minutes. I am getting scared yet I kind of enjoy the peacefulness of the situation

7:23 We stop and buy beer after we pass 3 liquor stores

7:24 Beers are opened, Bednar freaks out even though he’s been smoking a blunt for the whole trip

7:37 We reach MCLA… there is no one out. I feel like I’m in I Am Legend.

7:39 19 calls have been made to Kolby with a K. He doesn’t answer. Danny needs to get a phone to prevent this problem.

7:42 Danny finally finds us and takes Bednar to the secret spot to park his car.

7:43 Me, Jamie, and Mike stay by the dorm and I am questioned about the handcuffs

7:45 Mike embarks on a journey to find his ex girlfriend and me and Jamie follow

7:47 We get bored and head back to Danny’s dorm

7:49 Bednar and DJ made a friend while Danny was trying to find us in his dorm

7:51 We check in… MCLA has unnecessarily tough requirements to get into the building

7:52 Danny has a small room and MCLA has terrible bathrooms

8:00 We drink at the baseball house. Life is good

8:12 Andy Gaines is spotted. He is wity as usual

9:24 The party at the Pines is attended. Baseball players run these parties and I enjoyed myself while watching the pledges wear bags on their heads serving me beer

9:37 I am drinking up a storm and realize that there are no girls at this party that do not live there

9:45 Danny leaves the party to take a duece. He blames the clam strips

9:53 Bednar and DJ purchase their favorite product and plan to smoke it soon

9:55 Danny returns and is not surprised

10:12 Jamie, Bednar, and DJ enjoy their purchase. They are satisfied.

10:17 Danny “I knew we weren’t going to see Mike all night”

10:18 Mike shows up pissed off. He claims that he called 13 times and sent 3 text messages

10:21 I receive those text messages… Service prevented me from receiving them on time

10:33 Danny apologizes because the party blows… I am still enjoying myself

10:35 Beer runs out. I want more beer.

10:36 Danny apologizes because the party sucks

10:39 I want more beer

10:47 Danny apologizes again and says we have to wait out the party

10:56 Party ends.

11:00 We drink more beer at the baseball house

11:37 DJ and Bednar order cheesey bread

11:45 They leave to smoke

11:46 Danny is forced to purchase the pizza. We all enjoy it.

11:56 I see 2 people going at it on the couch.

11:56 I realize it is Mike

11:57 Bednar and DJ wonder were their food is

11:59 We go to the post game in Danny’s room

12:04 Me and Jamie are waiting outside waiting for Danny to get id cards becuase he couldn’t get guest passes.

12:07 He gets us the cards we slip in and return the cards. Thank you Avery

12:08 I autograph everything in sight which includes a huge autograph on the wall in the stairwell.

12:09 Jew Fro kicks Danny out of Avery’s room because there can only be a 2:1 ratio of people to room members. Me and Jamie are blasted and think Danny is coming back.

12:10 Danny’s not coming back, we go to his room.

12:12 Mike calls me and tells Danny he can’t get into Berkshire Towers. Danny does not care.

12:24 We drunk drive. Kolby with a K makes Avery cry. He deserves to be punched in the face…

12:34 Danny wants to drunk drive more. I destroy him and he says no more. I laugh at his inferiority

12:35 Danny ralphs in the doorway. All these girls scatter.

12:36-12:45 Danny watches as girls clean up the mess, Me and Jamie are playing Mario Kart laughing. Danny is laughing. It is a fun time.

12:47 Danny asks if one of us can stay in Avery’s roommates bed, Avery said she can’t let a stranger sleep in her friends bed.

12:49 Danny brings us into the room and says “You can sleep in here.” Jamie stands in the middle of the room with a wry smile on. Danny is no where to be found. I am on the bed giggling, Avery is on the phone.

12:50 Jamie realizes he’s just standing there and leaves.

12:51 Avery answers Danny’s statement by saying “as long as he doesn’t creep on me while I sleep.”

12:57 I here the word slut and skank atleast 12000 times as Avery talks on the phone

12:50? I try to find Danny Gaines and Mike Afflitto on google. I can’t read the words

1-3? I wake up to piss. I leave the door ajar so I can find it when I come back. I cannot find the bathroom for the life of me. As I’m about to piss in the stairwell by my name, I see a single bathroom. I thank God and try to make it in the bowl. I finish and try to find my way back to the room. I can’t and am wandering. I find a door with my autograph on it. It is ajar. I guess that its the room I’m suppose to be in. I walk in and find my hat. Life is good.

3-5? I have to piss again. I repeat the steps in the above time slot. When I return I find these pictures on the wall and cannot tell if they are actual photos, magazine cutouts, or the abercrombie and fitch bag put tacked to the wall

9:36 I wake up look around and wonder how I got here. I realize I do not have my cell phone and I need the time

9:37 I open up the mac book. It makes a lot of noise. I notice that the bed I am sleeping on is much better than my bed in the dorm. I see that the time is 1:37 and wonder why I’m in bed because I got stuff to do.

9:38 Danny and Jamie wake up when I enter their room. I find out its 9:38 and am pissed.

10:35 I try to go back to Avery’s room and I can’t find it or turn a handle. I wonder how drunk I was last night.

11:00 We leave Danny’s dorm to pick up Bednar and DJ so we can get food.

11:01 We leave MCLA without Mike cus Bednar has to be back

11:01 Danny describes the food and I bet that Dunkin Donuts will be better

11:30 We head back to Holyoke

Overall Trip Rating: Fun time should be even better next time.

Special Thanks to: Bednar for Driving, Danny for hosting, Avery for hospitality and her ID, Kolby with a K for getting into a fight, MCLA cooks for serving clam strips, Mike for getting us road brews.

Questions for Thought: Where were all the people? Where did Mike end up? Will Danny read this much of one thing? Where were all the girls? Why didn’t I witness an incest incident? Why did Kolby with a K get punched in the face? Why was that bed so comfy? Why was Doug Koziol not seen? Where was the beer?

Big Board of College Stories: The Legendary Visit

So the day starts out and I’m pumped because James “The Legendary James” McAndrew is coming to visit me at my College. The clock strikes 4 and my mafia connection calls me to pick up a package. So me and two of my friends walk down to pick it up. Halfway there, Jamie calls turns out the brave kid walked through the ghetto of Providence and was now on campus. I hustled my ass over to find him so we can be reunited for some fun before more fun. We start the night by grabbing a bite to eat and then start drinking while playing NCAA. Once we finished that we drunk drove in honor of alcohol awareness week. Turns out Jamie’s terrible at it. Anyway we had pretty nice buzz going so we head over to the 70s party. While we’re walking there this black kid from liberia joins our group. He is the weirdest guy ever. My first reaction, this guy is on poor man’s crack which makes you become legally retarded. Liberia’s so excited the whole time I see him. So the party goes on and all of a sudden liberia slips a roofie in a girl’s drink and gets caught. Liberia panics and throws a punch. He hardly connects and tries to get away by running up the stairs. Four guys haul him down and kick the shit outta him. We just go back to drinking and eventually get kicked outta the after party. Then Me, Jamie, “Chicago”, and “Noli” start looking for another party and stumble across these 40 year old mexicans with 3 24s of Heinken. We start talking spanish to them and get some cervesas. After that we start walking to get pizza and this kid in my marketing class calls me over and gives us 4 free cups to his friends party. Now I’ve been to weird parties before but this party is weird as fuck. There’s Mexicans, Mom loving punk rockers, and hippies all in the same house. We felt outta place but there was beer so we just kept drinking. After we get the goods we head to the kitchen to chill. All of a sudden we lost it and start eating all their food. We ate a box of Ritz crackers, bannanas, and chocolate chips. Eventually we steal their beer. Then “Noli” eats a glass bottle and spits out the shards. After that “Chicago” chucks the bottle off the wall but it doesn’t break. Noli then trys to steal the wine as the hippie guy comes in. The conversation went something like this”

Hippie: What are you doing?

Noli: You want some wine?

Hippie: It’s mine.

Noli: I know I’m giving it to you to have some.

Hippie: I don’t like people touching my stuff.

After he leaves we open the next box of crackers and chips and drop them on the floor. As were about to leave we take whatever they have left. Jamie ends up stealing a can of pineapple chunks for my room. So we go get pizza and we see the kid from liberia trying to mooch pizza off these kids. All of a sudden 2 kids yell where the fucks my laptop and liberia sprints down the street. We’ve had enough so we head back to my dorm. Ofcourse the nights not over because outside my hall there’s a fight with northeastern kids. Jamie being smart is on ourside. In the scuffle Jamie meets his good friend “Big Country”’s friend from back home, “Popeye” who’s from Wilbraham. Then the night ended.

Recap of my weekend:

$121.67 dollars spent

$600 I have for the semester

1 number of glass bottles eaten

3 number of Mexican’s with cases of Heiken

7 number of Mom and beer toasts

0 number of drunk driving wins, second place or third place finishes for Jamie

2 number of times Jamie walked through the ghetto

9,213,421 number of rain drops that hit me in one walk to the bar

College Story: Nichols Edition

As told by Samuel L. Zwirko:
“Me and my buddy Tom were just chillin in his room and we get a call from his roommate to come up to the qb’s room. So we fill a backpack up with beer, and we head up there. Just as we were about to knock on his door, all of a sudden, Devan, my buddy, that was in there called tom and told us to go back down cuz the ra’s were in there. Then we saw public safety come up as we left the building 3 cop cars rolled up and we were like fuckkkk. Devan comes back, and he told us that the ra’s smelt weed and called the cops. The cops searched the room found mad weed and mad beers. They looked on the qb’s desk and saw a some shit lined up to be snorted. They did a field test on it and it came up positive for cocaine but it really wasn’t coke it was perkasets… So that night the qb got kicked off the team and expelled from school and my 2 other buddies got kicked off the team.”